camping equipment, outdoor equipment

Reader,

I did a little editing here for you. You have commas where there should be periods. These are called ‘run-on sentences’ and they get pretty annoying after a while. Try to break up your expressions and descriptive data into short senteces where you can.

Yours:

It was summer, I was staying at Alice Greyora’s camp she was a fine looking magician, I guessed she was in her early 30′s. She ran camp Ares to pass on her magic wisdom. My name is Bryce Mowbray on of her many, many students. Every day was about the same, We started at 5 AM sharp first with breakfast then to get ur training equipment, and finally get our daily tasklist/ We had eggs with bacon …I wasn’t hungry I just sat down with my usaul crowd Brom Chelling and Jacob Felgor. “I wander what crap she will have us do today”, I said yawning. “I know sometimes i feel like shes just using me” Brom moaned. I said ” Well let’s go get our equipment and get our lists early.” We went up the hill to the storing warehouse found our lockers ad got our mystic robes and training wands. After we where all dressed and ready we went up to retrieve our lists from Alice.”Ahh welcome you are here early” she said. “Yeah we weren’t very hungry” I replied. “Well hold on just a sec and ill get you your lists” Alice rummaged around in her mail-bag looking sack. After a while she pulled out 3 task lists, 1 for me, 1 for Jacob, and 1 for Brom. It was almost as Alice had planned it all of our task lists where exactly identical..

Mine:

It was summer, and I was staying at Alice Greyora’s camp. Alice was a fine looking magician in her early thirties I would guess. She ran Camp Ares in an attempt to pass on her skills to anyone who would be interested in learning them. My name is Bryce Mowbray, one of her many students. Every day was about the same. We started at five in the morning, sharp. First there was breakfast, then on to get our training equipment, and finally to get our daily task list.

Breakfast consisted of eggs with bacon, but I wasn’t hungry. I just sat down with my usual crowd, Brom Chelling and Jacob Felgor. “I wonder what crap she will have us do today?” I said yawning. “I know sometimes I feel like she’s just using me.” Brom moaned, but said nothing. I shrugged it off.” Well, let’s go get our equipment and get our lists early.”

We went up the hill to the storing warehouse, found our lockers, and got our mystic robes and training wands. When we where all dressed and ready, we went up to retrieve our lists from Alice.

“Ah! Welcome. You are here early,” she said.

“Yeah we weren’t very hungry,” I replied.

Alice smiled. “Well, hold on just a sec and I’ll get you your lists.” Alice rummaged around in a sack looking a lot like a mail-bag. After a while she pulled out three task lists, for Jacob, Brom, and myself. It was almost as if Alice had planned all of our task lists to be identical, which they were.

Note: Check where I put commas at the end of some of your dialogue; periods as well. Where I deleted words and added different ones. Remember to keep all dialogue separate where two or more people are speaking. You don’t have that problem here, but just a little reminder as you continue to write.

Since you’re writing in what is called ‘first person,’ which means you’re telling the story with: I’s, We’s, and such, you can’t get into any characters head and tell the reader what they’re thinking. Watch your spelling, too. You have ‘wander’ for wonder.’ Remember that spell check in MS-Word, especially, will not catch these type of errors, simply because wander and wonder would both be spelled correctly even though ‘wander’ is used improperly in the sentence. I’ll is spelled that way, not ‘ill’. The I is always capitalized. When alone or in a contraction: I’ll, I’ve, etc…

Try to do the same with the rest of your story and good luck.

PJ M